Dionne: “Cher’s main thrill in life is a makeover, okay? It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.”

Mel: “Cher, what are you doing?”

Cher: “I’m captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.”

Mel: “I don’t think they need your skis.”

Cher: “Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don’t you think that includes athletic equipment?”

Cher: “Shouldn’t you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at NYU aren’t at all particular.”

Josh: “You’re funny.”

Amber: “Hello! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.”

Cher: “I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.”

Cher: “I am rescuing her from teenage Hell. Do you know the wounds of adolescence could take years to heal?”

Josh: “Yeah, and you’ve never had a mother, so you’re acting out on that poor girl like she was your Barbie doll.”

Cher: “What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married. Ooo, Snickers. And in the grand traditions of P.E. teachers, Miss Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented.”

Josh: “Lucy’s from El Salvador.”

Cher: “So?”

Josh: “It’s an entirely different country.”

Cher: “What does that matter?”

Josh: “You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.”

Murray: “You glance with your head, not the whole car! I swear to God, I swear to God, woman, you cant drive for s**t!”

Dionne: “Hello! That was a stop sign.”

Cher: “I totally paused.”

Cher: “If it’s a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.”

Elton (Jeremy Sisto): “What’s seven times seven?”

Cher: “Stuff she knows!”

Cher: “Wasn’t my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby, a fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don’t remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.”

Cher: “Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster, I decided I needed a complete makeover. Except this time, I’d make over my soul. But what makes somebody a better person? And then I realized all my friends were really good in different ways. Like Christian. He always wants things to be beautiful and interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other. And poor Miss Geist, always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist.”

Mel: “Doesn’t he look bigger?”

Cher: “His head does.”

Dionne: “What do you care what he thinks, Murray? I’m the one that has to look at you! That was a big mistake! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? Okay. That’s it. You wanna play games? I’m calling your mother.”

Cher: “Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over ‘Some Like It Hot’ and ‘Sparaticus.’”

Mel: “I’d like to see you have a little bit of direction.”

Cher: “I have direction.”

Josh: “Yeah. Towards the mall.”

Dionne: “Are you sure that’s fat-free?”

Cher: “Oh yes. And you lose weight by doing it like this, cutting it really small.”

Cher: “Here’s where Dionne lives. She’s my friend because we both know what it’s like to have people be jealous of us.”

Murray: “He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding, friend of Dorothy, you know what I’m saying?”

Cher: “So, okay, I was at this party and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out so he’d stop. But then he drove off and deserted me. And then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money, and my phone, and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress!”

Cher: “Hi, Daddy, this is my friend, Tai.”

Mel: “Get out of my chair.”

Josh: “Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?”

Cher: “No. Why, do I sound like I do?”

Mel: “You divorce wives, not children.”

Tai: “S**t, you guys. I’ve never had straight friends before.”

Tai: “You know, I don’t really care either way. Just as long as his you-know-what isn’t crooked. I really hate that.”

Cher: “So, okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on. It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair, ew, and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so.”

Cher: “Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.”

Josh: “I’m growing a goatee.”

Cher: “Well, that’s good. You don’t wanna be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.”

Mel: “You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?”

Cher: “Totally based on my powers of persuasion. Are you proud?”

Mel: “Honey, I couldn’t be happier than if they were based on real grades.”

Tai: “Cher. I don’t wanna do this anymore. And my buns, they don’t feel nothing like steel.”

Cher: “What is it about college and crybaby music?”

Toby Geist (Twink Caplan): “Oh, this is… that doesn’t even show- every single possession, every memory, everything you’ve had your whole life, gone in a second. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Elton?”

Elton: “Can I use a pass?”

Mel: “How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right? To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good doing since your mother.”

Amber: “Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she’s talking about some little party.”

Cher: “Hello! It was his fiftieth birthday!”

Tai: “That was so cool the way you did that. I wish I could do it.”

Travis: “Oh, no, don’t.”

Tai: “Why not?”

Travis: “Well, cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?”

Cher: “Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?”

Dionne: “At least I wouldn’t skin a collie to make my backpack.”

Tai: “He was looking at me?”

Cher: “He says you gave him a toothache.”

Tai: “How’d I do that?”

Cher: “It’s an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.”

Cher: “Ugh! RUIN my satin shoes, why don’t you?”

Cher: “Say, Ambular. Was that you going through my laundry?”

Amber: “As if. Like I would really wear something from Judy’s.”

Cher: “Do you prefer ‘fashion victim’ or ‘ensemble-y challenged?’”

Cher: “You think that’s all I do? I’m just a ditz with a credit card?”

Cher: “Would you call me selfish?”

Dionne: “No. Not to your face.”

Cher: “Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.”

Cher: “Don’t sell yourself short now. You’ve got something going for you that no one in this school has.”

Tai: “Oh, I’m not a virgin.”

Cher: “Boy, considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that damsel in distress act down.”

Cher: “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”

Cher: “Isn’t my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.”

Wendell: “Cher?”

Cher: “Present.”

Wendell: “I guess we established that during attendance.”

Cher: “Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?”

Cher: “I don’t know why Dionne’s going out with a high-school boy. They’re like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they’re just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.”

Dionne: “Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me ‘woman.’”

Murray: “Excuse me, Miss Dionne.”

Dionne: “Thank you.”

Murray: “All right, well street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking but not necessarily misogynistic undertones.”

Tai: “Wow, you guys talk like grown ups.”

Dionne: “’Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade.’ Phat! Did you write that?”

Cher: “Duh! It’s like a famous quote.”

Dionne: “From where?”

Cher: “Cliffs Notes.”

Millie: “All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in, Cher!”

Cher: “Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.”