David: “Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us.”

Alan: “Kill your brother. You’ll feel better.”

Alan: “You think we just work at a comic book store for our folks, huh?”

Sam: “Actually, I thought it was a bakery.”

Grandpa: “Looks like I wasn’t the only one who got lucky last night, huh?”

Michael: “I can’t beat your bike.”

David: “You don’t have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.”

Edgar: “We trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister.”

Sam: “I thought they were supposed to be in coffins.”

Edgar: “That’s what this cave is, it’s one giant coffin.”

Michael: “If something happens down there, I’m not gonna have the strength to protect you.”

Sam: “Well, this time, I’ll protect you, Bud. Even though you’re a vampire, you’re still my brother.”

Sam: “Die, Mr. Vampire!”

Grandpa: “Playin’ dead. And from what I heard, doin’ a damn good job of it, too.”

Star: “I wanted to tell you that it’s not too late for you. But for me, it gets harder and harder to resist. I’m weak.”

Max: “It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big happy family. Your boys and my boys.”

Grandpa: “Michael. Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking?”

Michael: “No, Grandpa.”

Grandpa: “Well, now you do.”

Max: “I’m sorry, Lucy. This is all my fault. David and my boys misbehaved. I told you, boys need a mother.”

Edgar: “Where the hell are you from? Krypton?”

Sam: “Phoenix, actually. But, lucky me, we moved… here.”

Michael: “Talk about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

Sam: “There’s no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven’t seen a TV, Mike. You know what it means when there’s no TV? No MTV.”

Alan: “Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?”

Sam: “No, it’s a pretty cool place. If you’re a martian.”

Edgar: “Or a vampire.”

Sam: “Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?”

Alan: “Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.”

Edgar: “As a matter of fact, we’re almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at City Hall.”

Michael: “Look, this isn’t a comic book, Sammy. These guys are brutal killers.”

Sam: “So are the Frog brothers.”

Michael: “Is there any jobs around here?”

Man: “Nothing legal.”

Michael: “I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school. There’s things I’m dealing with that you couldn’t-”

Lucy: “Things I wouldn’t understand?”

Sam: “Santa Carla is crawling with vampires, Mom.”

Star: “They’ll be coming for Laddie and me, won’t they?”

Michael: “They’ll be coming for all of us.”

David: “Stop fighting me, Michael. I don’t want to kill you. Join us.”

Michael: “Never.”

David: “It’s too late. My blood is in your veins.”

Michael: “So is mine!”

Lucy: “That’s the ocean air.”

Sam: “Smells like someone died.”

David: “You don’t like rice? Tell me, Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?”

Sam: “Are you freebasing? Inquiring minds want to know.”

Sam: “Come on, she stiffed ya.”

Edgar: “Flies and the undead go together like bullets and guns.”

Sam: “I told you. I don’t like horror comics.”

Alan: “Think of it more as a survival manual. There’s our number on the back, and pray you never need to call us.”

Edgar: “Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch!”

Sam: “Death by stereo.”

David: “Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots. How do they taste?”

Sam: “I’m not talking about Max, alright? To Hell with Max!”

Edgar: “Holy s**t!”

Alan: “Vampire hotel!”

Max: “Well, you’re the man of the house, and I’m not coming in until you invite me.”

Sam: “Yeah, well what happens if my mom is dating the head vampire? You guys could nail him and save Santa Carla. Truth, justice, the American way triumphs. Thanks to you two.”

Michael: “Just don’t-don’t tell her anything.”

Sam: “I don’t know, Mike. It’s not like getting a D in school or something, you know?”

Sam: “You drank someone’s blood? Are you crazy?!”

Alan: “Time to activate Plan B.”

Sam: “Ok, what’s Plan B?”

Edgar: “We don’t have one yet. And we only have two and a half hours to come up with one.”

David: “Marco, food. That’s what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get.”

Alan: “Holy s**t! It’s the attack of Eddie Munster!”

Sam: “She’s one of them! And don’t tell me it doesn’t make her a bad person, Mike!”

Edgar: “I think I should warn you all: when a vampire bites it, it’s never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly. Some explode, some implode, but all will try to take you with them.”