Chief (Howard Hesseman): “I did warn you, my dear. Mr. Hoover is an expert on Armageddon.”

Mr. Boddy: “In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I’ll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth… now.”

Wadsworth: “I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were… socialists. Well, we all make mistakes.”

Colonel Mustard: “I’m only a guest!”

Mrs. White: “Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her… so… much, it-it, the f- it- flame, flames, flames… on the side of my face. Breathing, breathle- heaving breaths, heaving…”

Colonel Mustard: “Have we met before?”

Ms. Scarlet: “I’ve certainly seen you before, although you may not have seen me.”

Wadsworth: “The game’s up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Oh, come on. You don’t think I’m gonna fall for that old trick.”

Wadsworth: “It’s not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.”

Ms. Scarlet: “That’s not six.”

Wadsworth: “One plus two plus two plus one.”

Ms. Scarlet: “There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That’s one plus two plus one plus one.”

Wadsworth: “Even if you were right, that’ll be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus two plus one plus one.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Okay, fine, one plus two plus one- shut up! Point is, there’s one bullet left in this gun and guess who’s gonna get it!”

Mrs. White: “Maybe he wasn’t dead.”

Professor Plum: “He was!”

Mrs. White: “We should’ve made sure.”

Mrs. Peacock: “How? By cutting his head off, I suppose.”

Mrs. White: “That wasn’t called for.”

Killer: “Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you?”

Yvette: “They must have, and not just my face. They know every inch of my body, and they’re not the only ones.”

Wadsworth: “I was in the hall. I know because I was there.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Why has the car stopped?”

Professor Plum: “It’s frightened.”

Mrs. White: “Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.”

Colonel Mustard: “So is this for our host?”

Wadsworth: “No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr. Boddy.”

Mrs. White: “I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.”

Wadsworth: “Mrs. White, you’ve been paying our friend, the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?”

Mrs. White: “Why is that funny?”

Ms. Scarlet: “I see, that’s why he was lying on his back. In his coffin.”

Colonel Mustard: “Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?”

Wadsworth: “I don’t know. He’s on everybody else’s. Why shouldn’t he be on mine?”

Ms. Scarlet: “Do you miss him?”

Mrs. White: “Well, it’s a matter of life after death. Now that he’s dead, I have a life.”

Mr. Boddy: “Open them.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men.”

Wadsworth: “That’s what we’re trying to find out! We’re trying to find out who killed him, and where, and with what!”

Professor Plum: “What are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?”

Mrs. Peacock: “No, just death. Isn’t that enough?”

Mr. Green: “I’m sorry. I’m a little accident-prone.”

Professor Plum: “It must be the murderer!”

Mr. Green: “Why would he scream?”

Mrs. White: “He must have a victim in there. Oh my God, Yvette!”

Mr. Green: “Oh, my God!”

Wadsworth: “Of course you may, sir. You may use the one in the, um… no. uh, you could use the one in the st- no. Would you be kind enough to wait in the um, in the uh, library?”

Mrs. White: “Are you a cop?”

Mr. Green: “No, I’m a plant.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.”

Mr. Green: “Very funny.”

Chief: “Armageddon is almost upon us.”

Professor Plum: “I got news for you, it’s already here.”

Mrs. Peacock: “Go away!”

Chief: “But your souls are in danger!”

Mrs. Peacock: “Our lives are in danger, you beatnik!”

Colonel Mustard: “I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up and search the house.”

Wadsworth: “But one of us wasn’t here. No.”

All: “No?”

Wadsworth: “No.”

Colonel Mustard: “Then why are you paying the blackmailer?”

Mrs. White: “I don’t want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was a lunatic. He didn’t actually seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Why would he want to kill you in public?”

Wadsworth: “I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.”

Wadsworth: “His license to practice has been lifted, correct?”

Ms. Scarlet: “Why? What did he do?”

Wadsworth: “You know what doctors aren’t allowed to do with their lady patients.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Yeah.”

Wadsworth: “Well, he did.”

Mrs. Peacock: “Oh, how disgusting!”

Wadsworth: “Are you making moral judgments, Mrs. Peacock?”

Professor Plum: “Maybe he was poisoned!”

Ms. Scarlet: “Very pretty. Would you like to see these, Yvette? They might shock you.”

Yvette: “No, merci. I am a lady.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you’re such a lady?”

Wadsworth: “A double negative!”

Colonel Mustard: “Double negative? You mean you have photographs?”

Wadsworth: “That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to prove positive. I’m afraid you gave yourself away.”

Mrs. Peacock: “Is there a little girl’s room in the hall?”

Yvette: “Oui, oui, madame.”

Mrs. Peacock: “No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you.”

Wadsworth: “I’m not shouting! All right, I am! I’m shouting, I’m shouting, I’m shou-.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Brilliantly worked out, Wadsworth. I congratulate you.”

Colonel Mustard: “Me, too.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Shut up!”

Colonel Mustard: “Is this place for you?”

Wadsworth: “Indeed, no sir. I’m merely a humble butler.”

Colonel Mustard: “What exactly do you do?”

Wadsworth: “I buttle, sir.”

Wadsworth: “Careful. Don’t get blood on the sofa.”

Professor Plum: “So, everything is explained.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Nothing’s explained, we still don’t know who killed him.”

Wadsworth: “You’re alive!”

Yvette: “No thanks to you!”

Wadsworth: “What do you mean?”

Yvette: “You locked me up with a murderer, you idiot!”

Mrs. White: “He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh… you know.”

Wadsworth: “If there’s anybody in here… just look out!”

Colonel Mustard: “Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there’s anybody else in this house.”

Wadsworth: “I told you, there isn’t.”

Colonel Mustard: “There isn’t any confusion or there isn’t anybody else?”

Wadsworth: “Either. Or both.”

Colonel Mustard: “Just give me a clear answer.”

Wadsworth: “Certainly!… what was the question?”

Wadsworth: “The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer.”

Colonel Mustard: “What the hell. I’ll go first. I’ve had a good life.”

Wadsworth: “Look, I suggest we take the cook’s body into the study.”

Colonel Mustard: “Why?”

Wadsworth: “I’m the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy.”

Ms. Scarlet: “Come back to the study with us.”

Yvette: “With the murderer?”

Colonel Mustard: “There is safety in numbers, my dear.”

Mrs. White: “Don’t you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what’s been going on here?”

Ms. Scarlet: “Yeah.”

Professor Plum: “How can we throw him outside in this weather?”

Ms. Scarlet: “If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.”

Professor Plum: “If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.”

Colonel Mustard: “If I were him, I’d be suspicious already.”

Mrs. Peacock: “Oh, who cares! That guy doesn’t matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are two dead bodies in the study!”

Mrs. Peacock: “If you leave, I’ll say that you killed them both!”

Mrs. White: “Nobody can get into that position.”

Professor Plum: “Sure they can. Let me show you.”

Mrs. White: “Get off me!”

Wadsworth: “Was it one of her clients? Or was it a jealous wife? Or an adulterous doctor? No. it was her employer, Ms. Scarlet.”

Ms. Scarlet: “I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N., Professor Plum, if it’s revealed that you’ve been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death, and the deaths of five other people.”

Professor Plum: “You don’t know what kind of people they have at the U.N.. I might go up in their estimation.”

Mrs. Peacock: “I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don’t say anything about ourselves?”

Ms. Scarlet: “Perhaps he doesn’t want to get acquainted with you.”

Wadsworth: “You see, it’s like the Mounties. We always get our man.”

Mr. Green: “Mrs. Peacock was a man?!”

Mr. Green: “Will you stop that?!”

Wadsworth: “No!”

Wadsworth: “And to make a long story short-.”

All: “Too late!”