My Favorite Captain Spaulding Quotes

Welcome to Day 27 of Spooky Season!! A couple of years ago, I made made a post of my favorite Otis Driftwood quotes. It ended up being a fan-favorite, so this year I decided to shine the spotlight on another member of the Firefly clan, Captain Spaulding! Spaulding is undoubtedly Sid Haig’s greatest role. For 3 movies, he put everything he had into this character and his performances and quotes will forever live in horror infamy! I hope you enjoy and let me know your favorite Captain Spaulding quote!

“Until today, no trace of Dr. Satan has ever been discovered. But then, who knows? Maybe he lives next-door to you.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. You are about to enter a world of darkness, a world where life and death are meaningless, and pain is God.”

“Well, if you give me a chance, I was gonna call you a crazy, pig-f***ing, dumb-a**, p***y piece of s**t!”

“Let me ask you something. How come you asking so many jacka**y questions?”

“Sweet baby Jesus. Whoever’s jerking off on that bell out there better be gone when I come out, or I’m gonna rip your nuts off!”

“Here’s your map, here’s your complimentary chicken, don’t let the door hit you in the a** on the way out.”

“Yeah, I remember him. Stupid f**k, just like you. Come at me like some kinda matinee f***ing cowboy idol. All I had to do was point him in a direction and there he goes, officer Wy-f***ing-dell to the rescue.”

“Trouble, what kind of trouble you got? Man, you got hot and cold running p***y on tap.”

“Two f***ing seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what, Ski King. Why don’t you just take your mama home some chicken, and then I won’t have to stuff my boot all up in your a**.”

“Hey, didn’t you get enough ass-banging last night? G*dd*mnit, my d**k is still sore.”

“G*dd*mn motherf***er got blood all over my best clown suit!”

“What’s the matter, kid? Don’t you like clowns? Why? Don’t we make you laugh? Aren’t we f***ing funny? You best come up with an answer, ‘cause I’m gonna come back here and check on you and your mama. If you ain’t got a reason why you hate clowns, I’m gonna kill your whole f***ing family.”

“yeah, except you acting like some spastic m*ng*l**d in heat.”

“He’s been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.”

“Stupid a** kids probably got themselves turned around a**-backwards and got theyself lost.”

Bill (Rainn Wilson): “How long you been running this place?”

“Well, um… how long’s a piece of string?”

Bill: “Uh, I don’t know.”

“Too g*dd*mn long, that’s how long.”

“Well, I don’t rightly know. See, they wasn’t here long enough for me to get up close and personal with ‘em, like I do most the a**holes that come wandering in here!”

“All right! All right! Don’t get all True Grit on my a**! You can knock yourself silly for all I care.”

“Don’t you never turn your back on a f***ing clown when he’s talking to you!”

“All they want to do is eat and f**k.”

“Oh, f**k me side-sally. Who the hell’d want to read about all this horsesh*t anyway?”

Jerry (Chris Hardwick): “You’d be surprised.”

“Son, look around. Would I be surprised?”

“You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is. y’all think us folks from the country’s real funny-like, don’t ya? Yeah, we’ll saddle up the mule, Ma! Slide me some grits! I’s got to get me some education! You a**hole!”

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