My Favorite Captain Spaulding Quotes

“You miserable motherf*ck- I oughta jump over this counter and bash your f***ing balls in!”

“Ah, worse than a rabid-a** baboon.”

“You know, I think I’m gonna get me some tutti-f***ing-fruity. Tutti-f***ing-fruity. Tutti-f***ing-fruity. Tutti-f***ing-fruity. Tutti-f***ing-fruity!”

“You gonna start the killing, you best start it right here. Make sure I’m all the way dead, or I will come back and make you my b***h.”

“Hi. Im gonna have to be taking your car today. see, I have some top secret clown business that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.”

Susan (P.J. Soles): “What’s that about clown business?”

“Do I stutter, b***h?”

“I ought to slap the s**t out of you. Let me put it to you this way: what’s the difference between a dead squirrel laying in the road and a dead clown laying in the road? There are skid marks in front of the squirrel. You roll that around in your coconut for a while, big shot.”

“I am what they make me. I’m your Bozo Jesus hung out to dry for the sins of mankind! All hail the man behind the grease paint!”

“F**k your mama! F**k your sister! F**k your grandma! Most of all, f**k you!”

“Leave her for a maid to clean up.”

“Hey, what the f**k is this? I paid good money for this g*dd*mn commercial!”

“Now, you bust that crapper, I’m gonna bust your a**.”

“Well, unless you got a better suggestion, I suggest you keep your f***ing pie hole shut. That is the only remotely safe place I know about.”

“Yeah, yeah. Cute kid. Ain’t my type though. You know, I like ‘em with a little more meat on ‘em. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’.”

“Howdy, folks! You like blood, violence, and freaks of nature? Well, then come on down to Captain Spaulding’s Museum Of Monsters And Madmen! Yeah, see the Alligator Boy. Ride my famous murder ride. Most of all, don’t forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken. It just tastes so d***n good.”

“Maybe he had a divine moment when his brains hit the floor.”

“They caught a gander at the display in the back, and they figured they was gonna run out and solve the great Deadwood mystery.”

“God d**n, boy, could you get more dramatic? Well, what I ain’t is the fantasy created by the injustice system and all them apes. That’s all on them.”

“I ain’t getting any younger.”

“Well, any port in a f***ing storm.”

“Oh, honey, you gettin’ a good riding tonight. Next time, you gonna have to pay me.”

“I’m saying I’m just a clown dancing for the f***ing man.”

“Well, make your move, Laddie, two hits. I hit you and your d**k hits the f***ing dirt.”

“You know what they say, all the world loves a clown.”

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