My Favorite Otis Driftwood Quotes

Welcome to Day 30! We’re very close to the end of October. As a lot of you guys already know, I’m a big fan of Rob Zombie’s films – in particular, his Firefly trilogy. One thing that got me hooked on his films is the dialogue. The quotes I’m going to be listing were uttered by the great, demented Otis Driftwood. Otis is the big brother of the Firefly clan, played by one of my favorite actors, Bill Moseley. There was always something about these quotes that couldn’t be said with the same impact that Mr. Moseley has perfected. So, for Day 30, here are my favorite Otis Driftwood quotes! (WARNING: SOME DIALOGUE MAY BE TOO VULGAR FOR SOME READERS! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!) (SPOILER ALERT!!!)

“Why, you ask? Why is not the question. How? Now that is a question worth examining. How could I – being born of such conventional stock – arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained. I’ve brought you here for a reason. But, unfortunately, you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick incrustations dying on the surface… oh, Christ. F**k it.”

“Boy, I bet you’d stick your head in a fire if I told you you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you’re too stupid to realize you got a demon sticking out your a** singing, ‘Holy, Miss Moly, got me a live one!’”

“This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.”

“You useless f**k, you couldn’t even get your big a** in that seat.”

“I’m the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who’s your daddy? I’m the one who brings the Devil’s brandy. I’m the one who beats you when your bad. Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar. And I’m the one who loves you when you’re f***ing dead!”

“Now, where does she think she’s gonna run to? What, is she gonna run all the way home?”

“Aw, s**t f**k! S**t f**k!”

“Hoss, are you staring at my sister thinking bad thoughts? Well, why not? Are you a f****t? Well, what are you? I mean, you got this hot piece of a** shaking her s**t right in front of you and you’re not getting any ideas? What do you call that?”

“You like that Top 40 shit. I thought you were like some kind of true, blue-balls, earnest kill ‘em, country, f***er or something. You’re nothing but a city f****t with a cowboy hat.”

“’Killing’ sounds so permanent.”

“Stop? B***h, I have just started. You know, I was gonna take it easy on you, boy. But you brought this down on yourself. You had to come all f***ing big stick walking tall like a big f***ing hero! You got yourself to blame, hero. Look at you now, hero. You’re gonna f***ing bleed to death!”

“I am the Devil, and I am here to do the Devil’s work.”

“Hey, I know what I know, and I know I don’t like that nut-sack.”

“Listen, there is no f***ing ice cream in your f***ing future!”

“I set my standards pretty low so I’m never disappointed.”

“You wouldn’t know the truth if I crammed it down your f***ing throat. Boy, you’re marked. Christ, you’re already dead. You just don’t know it.”

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“Hello, America. Did you miss me? I am Satan’s destroyer. I am the eternal flame of salvation, burning through your life, your liberty, and your pursuit of f***ing happiness. I suggest you get ready to burn, motherf***er.”

Judy (Tracey Leigh): “What you’re asking my husband is completely insane.”

“I’m completely insane!”

“This f***ing guy really loves himself. Except he’s got a face you just want to punch.”

“The f***ing problem is she will get us pulled over within five minutes of her sliding her a** behind this wheel.”

“Uh, I have no idea. Truthfully, I never thought we’d make it this far.”

“Well, if we were looking to hide out in the armpit of La Cucaracha, next to the c**t end of nowhere, I’d say mission accomplished.”

“Yeah, that’s the past. I mean, the two of us? That’s the future. The three of us. I mean, we can still do a lot of destruction in this f***ed up, crazy world.” 

“How can Satan kill me? I AM f***ing Satan!”

“The rat sure can squeak. Squeak me a story, rat.”

“Now, I guess she’ll just slit your f***ing throat.”

“I know how to cook a f***ing corpse.”

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